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Leong Wee Keat

TWO years ago, my grandfather did what many of us (including me then)

would consider to be the “unthinkable”.

On April 15, 2004, my grandfather committed suicide – jumping off the

eighth storey of the block of flats he was living in. He was 79.

That morning, my uncle, who was living with my grandfather, found nothing

amiss. My grandfather had returned from his usual early morning routine –

a walk in the park followed by a cup of coffee at the kopitiam. But at

about 7.20am, he leapt from the parapet of the corridor.

To this day, I do not know why my grandfather decided to end his life.

Prior to that fateful day, things had been looking good.

My grandfather had survived a two-year battle with bladder cancer and was

well on the road to recovery.

Although he had had his bladder removed and carried an external “pouch”

wherever he went, I never did hear him moan about the inconvenience. Sure,

people would stare, he would tell me. But in the next breath, he would

shrug things off and say: “Life goes on.”

Despite his age, he was mobile and would insist that I did not have to

take him home after functions at my parents' place.

You see, my grandfather was a survivor. He survived the Second World War,

the death of my grandmother in 1983 and an estrangement with one of his

doted-upon sons. But I guess this image of the strong patriarch was

deceptive.

Nearly all his eight children, with the exception of my youngest uncle,

had their own families and their own affairs to look after.

Some of the grandchildren, including my brother and I – who were looked

after by him in our early years – had also grown apart from him. We had

lives of our own to lead.

My grandfather's last years coincided with my university years and I never

did fulfil – or even attempt to fulfil – my promise to show him how to use

the MRT system. I was too caught up in my own life, assuming there was

always “the next day” for me to show him around the trains. And the “next

day” turned into weeks, then months and finally years.

That I let slip the chance to reach out to him, will forever be a regret.

Looking back, I don't think anyone in my family had any idea of the mental

and emotional turmoil my grandfather was grappling with. Nor did the

possibility cross our minds that such a strong man might be besieged by

loneliness and depression.

Last week, as I worked on the cover feature, “Age and the brittle mind”

(Nov 18-19) for Weekend Today, I made up my mind to write this piece – to

share my personal experience with elderly depression with readers.

I am most worried that, more and more, suicide may become the elderly

person's final cry for help, and that what happened to my family could

happen to someone else.

In the nursing homes I visited, I saw some elderly folk who stared blankly

into space – as if waiting for their loved ones to appear before them.

Then there were those who told me they had shrugged loneliness aside and

kept themselves occupied. But while they said they understood that their

families were busy trying to make a living, I could see in their eyes that

they wished they had more time with – not to mention acceptance from –

their children and grandchildren.

With the onset of major illness and the possible loss of mobility, the

likelihood of depression hitting an elderly person will increase.

Especially if he or she has been left in a harsh environment: Alone at

home, perhaps with a foreign maid, or in an old folks' home.

If life is reduced to a bed, clothes, meals and four walls, it is not much

better than a prison.

I think the first, and best, line of defence against elderly depression

lies with families. While we may strive to achieve more and build our own

families, we shouldn't be blind to the possibility that we may be

neglecting a loved one. Most of us will make time to spend with children –

why can't we make similar sacrifices for the elderly?

They played an integral part in shaping who we are and, different

generations notwithstanding, we have many shared memories.

What can you and I do to bring an older loved one back into the family's

arms? We can try to get other family members involved, to bridge the gap.

We don't have to do it alone. For instance, get our grandparents involved

in some common activities.

Growing up, I was a football fanatic and my grandfather and I would watch

matches together. I found it painful, even irritating, to have to update

him on Liverpool's latest striker. But I think he needed to learn more

about me than about my favourite football club.

I certainly did not want the questions or distractions; but what the proud

man needed was a listening ear, and for us to appreciate that he still

cared about us. I don't know whether I ever did reciprocate with the same

concern.

If all this strikes a painfully familiar chord with you, I would suggest

you start by finding out your grandparents' names.

I only found out my grandfather's name when he died – and I never told him

how much he meant to me.