530am. I tried to go to sleep… turning on my walkman, Puff Daddy and Faith Evans came on, with their remake of Sting’s classic “I’ll be missing you”. As the music played on… images of my dogs started to cloud my mind. The last 2 labradors I had; “Triever” and “Blackjack”. Triever died of cancer after spending 5 years with us. We gave Blackjack away for some reason. Triever was named by my mum. She asked, “what dog is this?”. “Labra-door Retriever”. So “Triever” became the most obvious choice for her. Sometimes, I wonder if she chose my name based on Mahjong tiles.

I didn’t really spend alot of time with Triever when he joined the family, because I was still in National service and spent most of my time hanging out with friends. As for Triever, he went to schools and came back with dozens of prizes from local competitions (I have to say he’s a pretty smart dog). After I returned from my studies in Australia in 2002, we grew much closer, as I was jobless for 3 months, and he kept me company while I waited weeks after weeks to be called up for interviews. We started to frequent the beaches in East Coast Park, where he would indulge himself in the water for the entire afternoon, occassionally suntanning with me. I still remembered how I left him unleashed on the beach once, while I rode out the seas on the windsurf. When I turned back to check on him, only to find him missing. Finally, I spotted him right in the middle of the sea (head bobbing on the surface of the water), swimming towards my direction. I had to turn back and lead him back to shore. “Some day”, I said, “I will bring you out on a surfboard”, but that day never came.

Triever, big as he is, was never aggressive towards people, especially kids. I remembered when my nephews visited, he sat down beside them and allowed those terrible kids to “manhandle” him. He is also a crowd pleaser, when the pet shop opposite my place held their opening ceremoney, he quietly went across and sat in front of the shop’s entrance, wagging his tail. The shop owner saw him and gave him a chocolate dog treat, which he happily fetched it home. Once, my dad walked him past the durian shop, he charged in and sat beisde the racks of durians, waiting like a kid in a candy store. My dad had no choice but to buy him one, afterwhich he immediately carried the durian (in the plastic carrier) back home.

A year and the half after I landed my first job, he started to be very choosey with food, eventually, he couldn&’t finish his meals, which is a strange sign given his ultra “greedy” character. We took him to a doctor and was diagnosed with splint cancer (I didn’t know dogs get cancers…). I was devastated. The doctor said he doesn’t have much chance of survival. I was at a loss and didn’t know what to do. At that time, I started to bring him out more regularly for walks, while he would munch at some wild grass, which I hope he would find some miracle cure for himself. But as days go by, I can tell that he’s not doing well, reduced to barely skin and bones, he still fulfilled his duties as the guardian of the house, mustering every bit of strength to bark at strangers. Until we hear lesser and lesser strangers passing by… or perhaps… we just couldn’t hear him that clearly anymore. We knew he was going to go one day, but I don’t know when and I don’t want to know, because I want him to stay. But mum told me, he’s in pain and it hurts so much to see him suffering. He stopped eating completely, even his favorite ice-cream.

It was during those days, that I picked up wedding photography. My first paid shoot, I felt really excited and nervous. The morning event went smoothly. As usual, I came home and downloaded the photos and sent some photos to a colleague who would do up the slideshow. Just when I was leaving home for the dinner, I saw Triever, lying at my doorstep. His mouth was foaming a little and he was breathing very hard. I knew his condition wasn’t good, but I couldn’t stay. I called my parents up and told them to come home. Before I left, I pleaded with him “wait for me to come back…”.

Halfway through the shoot, just before the group photo session, my phone rang, it’s a call from home. At that moment, my heart sank… my world stopped for a split second while I thought of the possibilities. Mum’s voice came on and she said “… he left…”. She asked me to come home. But how could I? I still recalled her saying, “his body is still warm… but he’s not breathing anymore”. I told her, to keep him there for awhile and I’ll be back as soon as I’m done. I went through the entire shoot, putting up the best smile I could possibly come up with. After the couple thank me for my efforts, I rushed home immediately and Elliot (a good friend of mine and also Triever) called me. I told him the bad news and he insisted in coming to see him through his last journey. Then Jessie, my ex-partner for wedding business called and her voice was breaking… “… I have a bad news for you… I just went to your place and I saw…”. I told her I already know the news.

Elliot reached my place about the same time as me. As I stepped through the gates, I saw Triever draped in white cloth. I approached him with a very heavy heart. As I uncovered the cloth, I couldn’t help it and started crying (I can’t remember when was the last time I shed a tear in front of my parents). Memories flooded me like never before. He was like a part of the family, my best friend, someone who I can talk to when I’m feeling down, someone who I would share my joy and woes with. The “human” in him is just something that can never be replaced. Now, he’s just lying there, peacefully, motionless… just like how he would behave when we return from day trips to the beach, except this time… he’s not going to wake up. I stayed there for a long long while, before dad broke the silence and told me that we have to bury him. Together with Elliot, we put him onto the truck and went off to Dad’s workshop. We buried him near the premises. Before we left home, I grabbed a handful of sunflower seeds, which I harvested over the last set of sunflowers I grew. As we buried him, I scattered the sunflower seeds over the area. To my best pal, rest in peace.

Everytime when I’m alone and I think of him, I still shed a tear or two. He was a personal friend, who I can share all my secrets and thoughts with. It’s just so hard take knowing that he’s no longer around. There was a sense of emptiness in the house after he left. Although life still goes on, I know it’s never going to be the same again. Parting is just so difficult, but I know he has gone to a better place.

I didn’t have many images of Triever. Sometimes, I just wished I did more.

Every day I wake up
I hope Im dreamin
I cant believe this shit
Cant believe you aint here
Sometimes its just hard for a nigga to wake up
Its hard to just keep goin
Its like I feel empty inside without you bein here
I would do anything man, to bring you back
Id give all this shit, shit the whole knot
I saw your son today
He look just like you
You was the greatest
Youll always be the greatest
I miss you big
Cant wait til that day, when I see your face again
I cant wait til that day, when I see your face again…

Yeah… this right here (tell me why)
Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone
That they truly loved (cmon, check it out)

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life aint always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words cant express what you mean to me
Even though youre gone, we still a team
Through your family, Ill fulfill your dream (thats right)
In the future, cant wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When its real, feelings hard to conceal
Cant imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living your life, after death

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
Ill be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
Ill be missing you

I miss you big

Its kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where Ill keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts big I just cant define (cant define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still cant believe you're gone (cant believe youre gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you're life, after death

somebody tell me why

On that morning
When this life is over
I know
Ill see your face

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take
every day that passes
Every move I make, every single day
is a day that I get closer
to seeing you again
Every night I pray, every step I take
we miss you big… and we wont stop
Every move I make, every single day
cause we cant stop… thats right
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
we miss you big

Puff Daddy / Faith Evans